Here’s my reality and thought process, friends. What you see with this post is not me not being positive-and frankly I’m not always being positive when you think I am. This is not me believing I will not be healed-because I know I could be and that would be awesome. This is not me in any sort of denial, because frankly, these last few weeks have not left me any room for denial for any possible outcome, any possible plan. I have a large tumor pressing on my brain stem, traveling through my vestibular nerve, and I’ve actually been feeling it change and grow. No room for denial. It’s there. It’s changing. It’s causing issues. I hear my hearing in that ear “disappearing” along with all the “ring tone changes” that are 24/7. There is no room for denial for anything. Some changes within my “head” are swifter than my body can respond.

In fact, some others think I’m “over preparing.” or worry I’m overdoing it. That’s ok. I have a family to take care of. I’m still a wife and a mom, a business owner, a homeschooler, and even more so a Christ follower. Preparing for what I cannot deny.

What I’m really trying to get to, and what this really means for me is this: Sometimes MY desired outcome, my hope, my plan, is not the BEST God has for me. I want His best, even if it’s hard! Preparing for hard is easier for me than the denial that my ways are not His ways.

What I’m really doing is preparing my heart to praise Him no matter what. I want to praise Him in great miraculous healing with hearing loss being the ONLY undesired outcome. I want to praise Him in hard probability outcomes, possible radiation treatments, or a year long recovery, or even a needed home remodel and wheelchair ramp. I want to praise Him in a now lifetime of monitoring cells that could grow back any time in the rest of my life. I want to be able to praise Him if this ends up being a very hard fight to get back to health because of things that can happen during surgery from living in our sin fallen world. I don’t live in the negative what if’s scary stuff. But they do need acknowledgement and consideration. Preparing both to praise now and to praise Him in my future-regardless. Sometimes I’m scared I won’t be able to do that. So I’m preparing. Now.